Good Night

It was a good night.

Saw some great art,

Hung out with great people,

Met new great people,

Arranged to hang out with great people again,

Caught up with some old friends,

Finally felt connected and recharged after weeks of nothing but work,

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I came a little closer to knowing what I want and understanding where I'm heading. I know what I'm doing in the short run thanks to hanging back from an after-after party and brainstorming with the old friend. In one sentence I said "I'm tired of nothing being constant and I want to settle" and then 10 minutes later "but i want to take care of my wanderlust and see different places to live."

So at first it felt like a contradiction but there you have it - the short term is to work the shit out of my current job and see where the packages take me and the long term is to help figure out where to land based on what I see along the way. And the next two months will be me prepping everything and disciplining myself to ensure that the time before and the time during this experience won't be wasted. I want to come out of this physically and mentally stronger. It's my choice whether or not I flounder or grow. I am choosing to become stronger from all of this.

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and I finished the night with a long run for work (still on the run technically, but at least it's something)

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On funny a side note, I have a messed up drivers side power window. It must have been the exhaustion from not sleeping tonight. The world missed crazy guy driving his car on the "WAKE UP" bumps. This was followed by then pulling into two rest stops and driving up on the snow banks, in an effort to make the loose connection in the power window's wiring connect. I was literally doing donuts and looking for ways to shake my car. I kicked the thing, hit the thing, took a screwdriver to it and slammed the door multiple times. Finally, I fonzarellied the thing at an angle I hadn't tried before (slammed my hand directly onto all of the switches) and the window rolled up - 9 degrees outside and on the thruway and I felt like I was driving a snow cone until that moment. I will never roll this window down again unless it's fixed....on purpose.
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Only Today...

I gave my two months moving out notice to my landlord today. I can't afford to live here and also get on top of things financially. I can't "stay and pay" as far as I can tell without giving up everything that I'm fighting for. When I lived in the stix I could still hit the city and now I'm 30 minutes away I can only drive through it on a job.

So I gave my two months, based on needing enough time to get down to NOLA for Mardi Gras, work during the day, and then maybe hit the Florida Key's afterwards. I gave two months because in April it will be warm enough to sleep in the car without the heat running. Two months to really consolidate, figure out what I'm keeping, and find a place to keep it. Two months seems about right for everyone.

Maybe even two months to find a cheaper living situation.

It will fly by. I know it because in the past it has flown by under other conditions and situations. I know time will slip by, so I have to be concious of it and stay on top of things. No slacking, or at least the slack time needs to be planned for. Time is so subjective to the observer - at 17 I had a vast ocean of options in front of me and at 35 I am searching for a trickeling brook to follow and find my way back home, wherever that will be.

I wonder if the big trick is that I'm not supposed to settle anywhere too long? Maybe for me it will always be fluid and always be moving. I do see beautiful areas and small towns that would hold a good life for someone, I'm just not sure that someone is me. I am also considering not having to deal with winter next year. This vagabond's adventure is one of the few roads still left untraveled. We'll see where it leads.

Lack of Faith

I have been amazingly low today...

More so than usual. I spoke with my Aunt about the family issues I am having and I think I really felt the weight of the separation today. We talked at length about it on Sunday and it was rough, to basically say I am through with Mom and Bro for a year or until they get some help on their own. I don't wish this and the events leading up on this to anyone.

I went into a funk, got some sleep, and then pulled myself out of bed and got back on my feet. It was hard, I got lost in the bigger unwritten picture, which is a huge no-no. I cannot change the past and the future is now, there is no tomorrow, there never really is - "There is only today."

I've been looking at some of my friends and seeing the amazing adventure they have. This is the life I want, to live in France, to go to LA and train with superhuman gym rats, Mardi Gras. This is the life, and this life is not without sacrifice. It's going to require lots of rewiring and believing in myself.

I cooked up some chicken and squash today. I forgot how good squash tastes with very little effort. I will be making it a nearly daily staple in my diet. Cooking as a job does not appear to be an option I want anymore, at least for right now. It doesn't pay the bills as a first job. Maybe once the weight has dropped off and I am in better shape I'll try again. For now, now I want the adventure but still be able to pay my bills.

I remembered the motto I took to heart after reading "Endurance" one of the greatest true stories ever published, about people lost in the Antartic for 2 years: “Fortitudine Vincimus”, "Through Endurance We Conquer"