Lack of Faith

I have been amazingly low today...

More so than usual. I spoke with my Aunt about the family issues I am having and I think I really felt the weight of the separation today. We talked at length about it on Sunday and it was rough, to basically say I am through with Mom and Bro for a year or until they get some help on their own. I don't wish this and the events leading up on this to anyone.

I went into a funk, got some sleep, and then pulled myself out of bed and got back on my feet. It was hard, I got lost in the bigger unwritten picture, which is a huge no-no. I cannot change the past and the future is now, there is no tomorrow, there never really is - "There is only today."

I've been looking at some of my friends and seeing the amazing adventure they have. This is the life I want, to live in France, to go to LA and train with superhuman gym rats, Mardi Gras. This is the life, and this life is not without sacrifice. It's going to require lots of rewiring and believing in myself.

I cooked up some chicken and squash today. I forgot how good squash tastes with very little effort. I will be making it a nearly daily staple in my diet. Cooking as a job does not appear to be an option I want anymore, at least for right now. It doesn't pay the bills as a first job. Maybe once the weight has dropped off and I am in better shape I'll try again. For now, now I want the adventure but still be able to pay my bills.

I remembered the motto I took to heart after reading "Endurance" one of the greatest true stories ever published, about people lost in the Antartic for 2 years: “Fortitudine Vincimus”, "Through Endurance We Conquer"