Good Night

It was a good night.

Saw some great art,

Hung out with great people,

Met new great people,

Arranged to hang out with great people again,

Caught up with some old friends,

Finally felt connected and recharged after weeks of nothing but work,

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I came a little closer to knowing what I want and understanding where I'm heading. I know what I'm doing in the short run thanks to hanging back from an after-after party and brainstorming with the old friend. In one sentence I said "I'm tired of nothing being constant and I want to settle" and then 10 minutes later "but i want to take care of my wanderlust and see different places to live."

So at first it felt like a contradiction but there you have it - the short term is to work the shit out of my current job and see where the packages take me and the long term is to help figure out where to land based on what I see along the way. And the next two months will be me prepping everything and disciplining myself to ensure that the time before and the time during this experience won't be wasted. I want to come out of this physically and mentally stronger. It's my choice whether or not I flounder or grow. I am choosing to become stronger from all of this.

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and I finished the night with a long run for work (still on the run technically, but at least it's something)

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On funny a side note, I have a messed up drivers side power window. It must have been the exhaustion from not sleeping tonight. The world missed crazy guy driving his car on the "WAKE UP" bumps. This was followed by then pulling into two rest stops and driving up on the snow banks, in an effort to make the loose connection in the power window's wiring connect. I was literally doing donuts and looking for ways to shake my car. I kicked the thing, hit the thing, took a screwdriver to it and slammed the door multiple times. Finally, I fonzarellied the thing at an angle I hadn't tried before (slammed my hand directly onto all of the switches) and the window rolled up - 9 degrees outside and on the thruway and I felt like I was driving a snow cone until that moment. I will never roll this window down again unless it's fixed....on purpose.
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Only Today...

I gave my two months moving out notice to my landlord today. I can't afford to live here and also get on top of things financially. I can't "stay and pay" as far as I can tell without giving up everything that I'm fighting for. When I lived in the stix I could still hit the city and now I'm 30 minutes away I can only drive through it on a job.

So I gave my two months, based on needing enough time to get down to NOLA for Mardi Gras, work during the day, and then maybe hit the Florida Key's afterwards. I gave two months because in April it will be warm enough to sleep in the car without the heat running. Two months to really consolidate, figure out what I'm keeping, and find a place to keep it. Two months seems about right for everyone.

Maybe even two months to find a cheaper living situation.

It will fly by. I know it because in the past it has flown by under other conditions and situations. I know time will slip by, so I have to be concious of it and stay on top of things. No slacking, or at least the slack time needs to be planned for. Time is so subjective to the observer - at 17 I had a vast ocean of options in front of me and at 35 I am searching for a trickeling brook to follow and find my way back home, wherever that will be.

I wonder if the big trick is that I'm not supposed to settle anywhere too long? Maybe for me it will always be fluid and always be moving. I do see beautiful areas and small towns that would hold a good life for someone, I'm just not sure that someone is me. I am also considering not having to deal with winter next year. This vagabond's adventure is one of the few roads still left untraveled. We'll see where it leads.

Lack of Faith

I have been amazingly low today...

More so than usual. I spoke with my Aunt about the family issues I am having and I think I really felt the weight of the separation today. We talked at length about it on Sunday and it was rough, to basically say I am through with Mom and Bro for a year or until they get some help on their own. I don't wish this and the events leading up on this to anyone.

I went into a funk, got some sleep, and then pulled myself out of bed and got back on my feet. It was hard, I got lost in the bigger unwritten picture, which is a huge no-no. I cannot change the past and the future is now, there is no tomorrow, there never really is - "There is only today."

I've been looking at some of my friends and seeing the amazing adventure they have. This is the life I want, to live in France, to go to LA and train with superhuman gym rats, Mardi Gras. This is the life, and this life is not without sacrifice. It's going to require lots of rewiring and believing in myself.

I cooked up some chicken and squash today. I forgot how good squash tastes with very little effort. I will be making it a nearly daily staple in my diet. Cooking as a job does not appear to be an option I want anymore, at least for right now. It doesn't pay the bills as a first job. Maybe once the weight has dropped off and I am in better shape I'll try again. For now, now I want the adventure but still be able to pay my bills.

I remembered the motto I took to heart after reading "Endurance" one of the greatest true stories ever published, about people lost in the Antartic for 2 years: “Fortitudine Vincimus”, "Through Endurance We Conquer"

Anticipation

In less than 24 hours this hellish year will finally be fucking over. Yes yes yes, I know, "future is today..."

This is the first year in a long time where I could care less if my NYE plans fall through. Most of the plans are in NYC or Brooklyn with one party in NJ which would just annoy me. Love the friend, hate the company that shows up for his NYE bash. Think Karate kid karate hooligans....

Two years ago was mellow, It was my first cook day and my first rude awakening that I can't stand for 8 hours without my back breaking and my knees wanting to crumble. So last minute I and a couple other folks gathered in Northwest NJ and just hung out watching the ball drop on TV. Last year was the craziest, with a shutdown warehouse party then party van then after hourse post raided warehouse party until 5am - that was one of the best NYE's ever.

This year, I just want to know 2008 is dead and 2009 is alive and kicking.

I have big plans for this year. I'm nervous about making all the changes happen but there will be a lot of reframing and redefining who I am and what I want out of life.

I see trading in 3/4 of my internet time for gym time
I see trading in my apartment for a hotel room and a storage space to pay off my debt
I hope for some love to come by way
I'm looking forward to real travel and capers and adventures
I'm not so much looking forward to but accepting being more disciplined and in control.
I plan on taking more pictures.

I had a last minute highlight to 2008 this week. I got the opportunity to visit with my extended family up in Kingston. i spent some quality time with Larry, Patti, Megs, Alanna and the new addition, Randy. We don't get many chances to hang out with our current schedules and now the distance with Megs and the kids far away on a military base - but Monday was a true blessing and a reminder as to what's really important in this world. Keep your shiny cars, keep your bling and your useless engraved titles on your desks - family and quality time with them in all its forms is where it's at. This is what builds great men and women.

Appreciation of family and spending quality time with the people you love should be practiced and enjoyed more often than one or two weeks for year. I think a lot of folks put it back in a box with the Xmas lights and the tree ornaments. Then they get lost in all of the bullshit for 350 days. I say don't pack it away and enjoy it, it's yours and my foundation and it should be taken like a tincture daily to keep strong.

I cannot say enough about how much I adore Alanna. She's amazing, she has an old soul. A slightly moody old soul, but an old one none the less. I get her temperment all too well and she'll be ok. Well spoken, stands up for her family even at 4 years old. Definitely an artist of some sort. She is too funny at times and foofs freely. Good for her. She has an amazing family to raise her, solid support. The kid even likes Sea Monkeys. Gotta love a fan of the Sea Monkey.

Off to consolidate and get my life in order...

Totally "Blah"

I am feeling completely "blah" today. I can't tell if it's too much rest or what, but it started last night. Maybe I'm coming down with a cold or something.

I don't want to shower and desperately need to take one.
I am moving forward but it's just all bunk

Consideration is being made to the possibility of going homeless and putting the money towards my debt once the weather gets better.

I have to remember my own advice:

"The past is over, leave it buried and remember you'll never reach the future, enjoy and live now!"

OK, so -
PSE&G is set up for the winter,
I am close to getting my Debt Consolidation set up this week,
I am not going to cry over 66k in airline miles vaporizing

I need to get my weight in check
I need to go food shopping
Haircut?

AND I NEED TO FIND SOME GODDAMN FUN AND CHEER UP!!

maybe i'll get to see my goddaughter soon.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Things will get better and I will get my shit in check.

W

Apply Pressure..

Angry, frustrated, disappointed, doomed, embarrassed, Angry...

I will give it one more week, with going to the gym as often as possible, starting this weekend. Then I'm taking the magic pill and going back to dullsville for a while. I will miss the passion for some lack of anxiety and anger and we'll see.

I'm handling it all better than I would have a year or two ago, but it's stressing me out and hurting my body now. Nightmares, Acid reflux, heartburn, eating poorly - I may have to go back on it until I can use exercise or get into a routine of it to kill off the monsters under the bed.

I don't want to go this route but I don't want to implode either. If there was a woman in my life, a good one, it would be a much softer road to walk on while barefoot but I don't have that option. Sometimes you have to use the drugs you have access to: Endorphins are first choice followed by Lexapro followed by nothing. I find it horribly ironic that I really have no actual addictions to hit rock bottom with. This is purely a life falling apart.

Still I have my good moments and have not completely given up. I just know I'm getting close to the bottom...

It takes pressure to make a diamond but it that same pressure can pulverize apiece of coal just as easy, so we'll see what my mettle is soon enough.

My Worth...

Is worth more than the current job. Is worth more than the respect I get from others. Is worth more than money can buy.,,,

And the fact that I know my worth and am not afraid to let others know that I know my worth, is a humongous liability in the job market in NJ. It's a fight at the current job if I let it become one.

So I bite my lip a lot. Every once in a while I don't. Those are very quiet days without the phone ringing about boxes to pickup and run somewhere.

I need to find new work and start looking for a new place for after winter. I'm living above my means in a really nice place. If I can figure out a way to keep it though, I'm going to. If not, I'm packing the goddamn car and moving on.