Apply Pressure..

Angry, frustrated, disappointed, doomed, embarrassed, Angry...

I will give it one more week, with going to the gym as often as possible, starting this weekend. Then I'm taking the magic pill and going back to dullsville for a while. I will miss the passion for some lack of anxiety and anger and we'll see.

I'm handling it all better than I would have a year or two ago, but it's stressing me out and hurting my body now. Nightmares, Acid reflux, heartburn, eating poorly - I may have to go back on it until I can use exercise or get into a routine of it to kill off the monsters under the bed.

I don't want to go this route but I don't want to implode either. If there was a woman in my life, a good one, it would be a much softer road to walk on while barefoot but I don't have that option. Sometimes you have to use the drugs you have access to: Endorphins are first choice followed by Lexapro followed by nothing. I find it horribly ironic that I really have no actual addictions to hit rock bottom with. This is purely a life falling apart.

Still I have my good moments and have not completely given up. I just know I'm getting close to the bottom...

It takes pressure to make a diamond but it that same pressure can pulverize apiece of coal just as easy, so we'll see what my mettle is soon enough.