Anticipation

In less than 24 hours this hellish year will finally be fucking over. Yes yes yes, I know, "future is today..."

This is the first year in a long time where I could care less if my NYE plans fall through. Most of the plans are in NYC or Brooklyn with one party in NJ which would just annoy me. Love the friend, hate the company that shows up for his NYE bash. Think Karate kid karate hooligans....

Two years ago was mellow, It was my first cook day and my first rude awakening that I can't stand for 8 hours without my back breaking and my knees wanting to crumble. So last minute I and a couple other folks gathered in Northwest NJ and just hung out watching the ball drop on TV. Last year was the craziest, with a shutdown warehouse party then party van then after hourse post raided warehouse party until 5am - that was one of the best NYE's ever.

This year, I just want to know 2008 is dead and 2009 is alive and kicking.

I have big plans for this year. I'm nervous about making all the changes happen but there will be a lot of reframing and redefining who I am and what I want out of life.

I see trading in 3/4 of my internet time for gym time
I see trading in my apartment for a hotel room and a storage space to pay off my debt
I hope for some love to come by way
I'm looking forward to real travel and capers and adventures
I'm not so much looking forward to but accepting being more disciplined and in control.
I plan on taking more pictures.

I had a last minute highlight to 2008 this week. I got the opportunity to visit with my extended family up in Kingston. i spent some quality time with Larry, Patti, Megs, Alanna and the new addition, Randy. We don't get many chances to hang out with our current schedules and now the distance with Megs and the kids far away on a military base - but Monday was a true blessing and a reminder as to what's really important in this world. Keep your shiny cars, keep your bling and your useless engraved titles on your desks - family and quality time with them in all its forms is where it's at. This is what builds great men and women.

Appreciation of family and spending quality time with the people you love should be practiced and enjoyed more often than one or two weeks for year. I think a lot of folks put it back in a box with the Xmas lights and the tree ornaments. Then they get lost in all of the bullshit for 350 days. I say don't pack it away and enjoy it, it's yours and my foundation and it should be taken like a tincture daily to keep strong.

I cannot say enough about how much I adore Alanna. She's amazing, she has an old soul. A slightly moody old soul, but an old one none the less. I get her temperment all too well and she'll be ok. Well spoken, stands up for her family even at 4 years old. Definitely an artist of some sort. She is too funny at times and foofs freely. Good for her. She has an amazing family to raise her, solid support. The kid even likes Sea Monkeys. Gotta love a fan of the Sea Monkey.

Off to consolidate and get my life in order...

Totally "Blah"

I am feeling completely "blah" today. I can't tell if it's too much rest or what, but it started last night. Maybe I'm coming down with a cold or something.

I don't want to shower and desperately need to take one.
I am moving forward but it's just all bunk

Consideration is being made to the possibility of going homeless and putting the money towards my debt once the weather gets better.

I have to remember my own advice:

"The past is over, leave it buried and remember you'll never reach the future, enjoy and live now!"

OK, so -
PSE&G is set up for the winter,
I am close to getting my Debt Consolidation set up this week,
I am not going to cry over 66k in airline miles vaporizing

I need to get my weight in check
I need to go food shopping
Haircut?

AND I NEED TO FIND SOME GODDAMN FUN AND CHEER UP!!

maybe i'll get to see my goddaughter soon.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Things will get better and I will get my shit in check.

W

Apply Pressure..

Angry, frustrated, disappointed, doomed, embarrassed, Angry...

I will give it one more week, with going to the gym as often as possible, starting this weekend. Then I'm taking the magic pill and going back to dullsville for a while. I will miss the passion for some lack of anxiety and anger and we'll see.

I'm handling it all better than I would have a year or two ago, but it's stressing me out and hurting my body now. Nightmares, Acid reflux, heartburn, eating poorly - I may have to go back on it until I can use exercise or get into a routine of it to kill off the monsters under the bed.

I don't want to go this route but I don't want to implode either. If there was a woman in my life, a good one, it would be a much softer road to walk on while barefoot but I don't have that option. Sometimes you have to use the drugs you have access to: Endorphins are first choice followed by Lexapro followed by nothing. I find it horribly ironic that I really have no actual addictions to hit rock bottom with. This is purely a life falling apart.

Still I have my good moments and have not completely given up. I just know I'm getting close to the bottom...

It takes pressure to make a diamond but it that same pressure can pulverize apiece of coal just as easy, so we'll see what my mettle is soon enough.

My Worth...

Is worth more than the current job. Is worth more than the respect I get from others. Is worth more than money can buy.,,,

And the fact that I know my worth and am not afraid to let others know that I know my worth, is a humongous liability in the job market in NJ. It's a fight at the current job if I let it become one.

So I bite my lip a lot. Every once in a while I don't. Those are very quiet days without the phone ringing about boxes to pickup and run somewhere.

I need to find new work and start looking for a new place for after winter. I'm living above my means in a really nice place. If I can figure out a way to keep it though, I'm going to. If not, I'm packing the goddamn car and moving on.

Is Anger a Gift?

I'm Angry lately.
I'm frustrated.
I know the weight makes it worse with the BP and all.
I know I eat more when I'm angry or frustrated.

Meds are a quick way to get it under wraps, but then music doesn't sound as sweet, I'm not moved as easily, and I feel like I can care a little less.

Sometimes that's good and sometimes it's not.

So I need to get into a gym and work out again. Because maybe instead of medicating myself with meds I can medicated myself with a daily workout.

I was thinking of Madonna this morning...

Yeah, so what? A guy can think of Madonna if he wants to...

I thought of who she was when she started and how she controls and manipulates her image, how the world sees her and how she dreamed big and kept dreaming. I wonder if she's ever discussed this in any interviews?

I will have to work on some kind of "business model" to help with my focus.

Because the world needed one more blog to be born into it...

I have Blog(S)...

Yes, that's right, plural. "Blogii", if you will:

One blog is a testament to how twisted a mind can get when it's not taken care of and nurtured with love and kindness. Good people suffered and were named in this blog, it's the "before" image of who I was and how I thought before I took control of my life. I'm lucky I did it when I did it - I see the track I was on and it would have ended with the last post being from a loved one explaining to the world what horrible thing could have happened...

One Blog is the "what did I do and how did I feel this week?" Standard and common, it truly took off during and after therapy untwisted me. It's started off as a weight loss blog and became much more than that. It's a mix of everything really and everything that has happened in the last couple of years. It's a collage of who I am, what I do, and what I deal with on a weekly basis....

And now we have this one. I'm pushing for this to be the "scratchdisk" blog. Come up with a philosophy and run with it. Work out/write out a problem and post a solution I find later. This is not necesserily a deep blog. This is more documenting how I think and what I'm thinking about. I see bits and pieces, positive famous quotes, suggested readings, etc etc etc.

We'll start with today:

Current issues:
Making a plan and sticking with it,
Weight gain
Food as self-medication,
Drowning in debt...

Goals this week:
Research and decide on a course of action for debts
Start exercising again,
Decide on Lexapro after working out for a week
Plan out my down time and refuse some jobs this week